Storms can be big or small. Storms can last for hours or days. I’m not talking about the weather here. I’m talking about emotional storms. The storms that occur in your mind.
In the eye of an emotional storm, there is no happiness or light. None. You never knew such a horrible place existed. A storm can begin and end at any time, and will totally screw with what was once a sane mind. I suspect some of you may relate to these stormy moments in your own way.
There is a place that runs deep. A place that is filled with fear, despair, anger, grief, turmoil, and tears. A place I don’t want to go, but, I become so weak in it’s grip. I feel mentally helpless as I move into that storm. It waits for me with open arms and says “Welcome back… I’ve been expecting you.” Do you know of this place? Have you ever been to this place?
Some storms can be almost debilitating. It can make you feel physically ill as you wonder if you will have the strength you need to come out of it. Again. One more time.
I was on “storm watch” last week. I had an appt. with my Neuro-Ophthalmologist, Dr. Ken Kubis. I knew what he was going to tell me. I thought I was mentally prepared. Yeah….. Not so much. The routine tests, along with the Visual Field test (Ugh…every visually impaired person’s nightmare!) confirmed that my vision had declined quite dramatically since my last visit in December. I took a deep breath trying to shut up the frightened girl screaming inside my head.
Did I already know that my vision had gotten worse? Yes. Did I want to hear it from my doctor? No. Did I try to blame the testing equipment? Hell YES, I did! …Just like you blame the dryer for your jeans being too tight! It’s called DENIAL!
After more discussion about the life & times of Maria’s vision… my doctor decided to repeat the MRIs and some blood tests to be sure there is nothing else causing my vision loss besides LHON. He has always told me “You are allowed to have more than one thing.” If I do… I trust he will find it. I have completely trusted Dr. Kubis from the day I first met him on September 2, 2013. The day he went to battle to save my vision and he has never stopped. Dr. Kubis is definitely one of the most outstanding and caring doctors I have ever had. The BEST!
When my appointments are over… I always thank my doctor a million times holding back the emotional tears. This time, as I stood there, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I could not “see” this amazing doctor as I did a few months ago. He has disappeared from my vision and I can’t see that reassuring smile anymore. My tears were the beginning of my next storm on the horizon. Dr. Kubis gave me a hug with some reassuring words. He didn’t have to but, THAT’S the kind of doctor he is. The BEST. I turned around and headed straight toward my storm. …Oh God … was this all really happening?
I used to fight off the storms with everything that I had. I was keeping control!! They were not going to bring me down! In reality, it was unhealthy and exhausting for me to act this way. I’m human, not a superhero.
I’m learning it’s okay to walk through these storms no matter how difficult or uncomfortable. Everyone should learn this lesson. Although they drag me into the darkness, I look for the light in the storm’s final hours. I hold on tight and I move forward in my life blinded by LHON. That is until….I hear the words “Welcome to the storm…” and lose my grip, once again.